Do I deserve to be loved?!!!
Today I just realized that within me is a feeling that I have allowed to take control of my live for a very long time, something that I have been totally indentified with, a feeling that has kept me in the dark for many many years. It does seems like it but it has dominated my life for a long time, it has been an underlying feeling that has been creating other forms of fears and feelings. The words I would put on this feeling is: Do I deserve Love?
It’s not because nobody ever told me that they loved me, it’s because within me there has been an underlying feeling of not deserving it. And nobody no matter how much they have tried could have brook down this feeling. I have had moments where I could embrace it, but under that there was always the fear of it to go away again. It was not something I could hold on to for very long, and if I did it would be a struggle.
I cant blame anybody for that feeling, because I’m the one holding on to it. This feeling, made me be in one of two state, either I was giving up or I was struggling to get the love, that I somehow did not feel that I deserve anyway. In another word, I was getting into a impossible situation where there was no way out. I did spend a long time proving that I did not deserve love and a long time proving that I did deserve love. The only thing I did not do was to allow this feeling to pass inside me. To allow myself to be with that specific feeling until it lost the power of identification with what we call me.
People sometimes talks about what is their destiny, and this had become my destiny. Not because this is how the Universe, God or my higher self has decided it to be, but because I got into identifying myself to that. This was one feeling within me that was so strong that I could not let it go. Something that I had sculptured my live around, and anywhere I looked I found confirmation on this, and why? Because that was what I had train myself to look for. I have trained myself to look for confirmation on this is how it is, look there is the evidence, right there. She is leaving me, or I am losing that because I deserve it.
It becomes so strong because I have kept feeding it, I have raised a gigantic monster. And in reality the monster was just an illusion, a focus-point for the mind to hold on to. As a matter of fact I laugh when I discover this, because it was so bizarre and funny to see what had been hiding away for so long. This was for me a container where I could store numerous feelings within, anger, sadness, guilt and fear.
It is a beautiful day today, and I deserve to be loved….
Love Jacob
Very nice article.
Got me to think of this:
“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”
- Shakespeare.
It’s paradoxal, and only you seems to be able to control it.
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Hands down, Apple’s app store wins by a mile. It’s a huge selection of all sorts of apps vs a rather sad selection of a handful for Zune. Microsoft has plans, especially in the realm of games, but I’m not sure I’d want to bet on the future if this aspect is important to you. The iPod is a much better choice in that case.
This is getting a bit more subjective, but I much prefer the Zune Marketplace. The interface is colorful, has more flair, and some cool features like ‘Mixview’ that let you quickly see related albums, songs, or other users related to what you’re listening to. Clicking on one of those will center on that item, and another set of “neighbors” will come into view, allowing you to navigate around exploring by similar artists, songs, or users. Speaking of users, the Zune “Social” is also great fun, letting you find others with shared tastes and becoming friends with them. You then can listen to a playlist created based on an amalgamation of what all your friends are listening to, which is also enjoyable. Those concerned with privacy will be relieved to know you can prevent the public from seeing your personal listening habits if you so choose.
Apple now has Rhapsody as an app, which is a great start, but it is currently hampered by the inability to store locally on your iPod, and has a dismal 64kbps bit rate. If this changes, then it will somewhat negate this advantage for the Zune, but the 10 songs per month will still be a big plus in Zune Pass’ favor.
Sorry for the huge review, but I’m really loving the new Zune, and hope this, as well as the excellent reviews some other people have written, will help you decide if it’s the right choice for you.
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